I am not a firm believer in knowing anything for sure about God, heaven, hell and such - but one thing that really had a powerful influence on me when I was hanging by a thread many years ago... was the fear of afterlife repercussions for suicide.

I had really been very close to suicide.  I had my plan and suicide kit in the trunk of my car at all times.  No one knew about that.  And I had been looking into locations where I could...

Then one day, although I was working, I must have been home from work that day or come home early.  I happened to see an Oprah show about "near death experiences."  Usually they are mostly positive, and about seeing a bright light, feeling a peaceful and loving presence and things like that.

But at the very tail end of the show - there was a young gal in her 20's who stood up to tell her story of a near-death experience.

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She had attempted suicide and was taken to the emergency room.  She said the room was black and every time she opened her eyes, she was seeing "demons" coming at her.

Concerned and telling the doctor what she was seeing, he said she was just hallucinating and it must be a side effect of the overdose.

She hoped he was right.

But in intensive care, things got worse.  She said it was a tremendous fear - she felt very alienated. "I felt--I was so small.  I felt like no one could help me."

"And there were demons surrounding my whole bed."

"It was a heavy weight... that I couldn't fight.  I knew they were going to take me."

"And the only thing I knew how to do was to pray to God and say 'Help Me.'
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That girl's story really made it harder for me to go ahead and kill myself. I wanted to die so badly but I was afraid of the unknown in the afterlife - and even more so after seeing her story.

Now I am so grateful for that "accidental" viewing.  Or was that another gift or blessing ?

If I thought for sure that death was merely an organic transformation and grief for the living - at that time - there would have been nothing to be afraid of and nothing special about staying alive.

I have watched for shows with other "negative" near-death experiences like this one and have seen a few.  But some suicide attempters have had positive "near death" experiences too, so - who knows ?

Without some kind of spirituality, in life and in death - it may be easier for us to end our lives.  But because it is so difficult and painful to think of killing ourselves, I have to think that there is more to living than just dying of suicide.